I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
