I met the friendliest cop last night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
