Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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