Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Randomize
