The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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