I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
