The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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