I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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