Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
