this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize