The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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