Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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