Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
