he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
