Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
