Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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