it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
