Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
