after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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