tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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