I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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