Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
