my vag is so smooth its legendary
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize