I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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