so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
