It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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