You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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