Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Such a big mess for such a small penis
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
