I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
