i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
