I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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