R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
ttyl tear gas
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
