I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
