Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
