I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
