My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
