pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
