Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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