Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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