Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
