dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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