I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
