drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
