And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Everyone says I win the strip club
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
