Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize