I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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