I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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