Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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