I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
and she was petting her beer can
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
