I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
