so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
