I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
