Your mouth is God's brothel.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
