it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
There are leaves in my underwear?
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