I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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