We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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