If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Randomize
