Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
