Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
