i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
