Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize