He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
