There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
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