hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
