Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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