Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
