she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
