i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
